I'm still not quite sure if i'm ready to get back in here with the discipline to keep up with a religious update on my life. What with a year's hiatus from this space, there's definitely some work to be done to get the routine & habit back again...lets see how it goes :)

Anyhow, i'm here now because of a sudden urge to pen down thoughts thats been floating through and in my mind for the looongggest time. Now that i've the luxury of having more time to myself of which i guess is what i need most right now. A need to reflect.

So much has happened since my last proper update more than a year ago. Looking back from since the end of 2009, it felt like a time so long ago now. Yet thinking back, the year seem to have flew past me with everything happening so quickly i could hardly believe they actually happened. Somehow, i think i lost myself in the midst of all the happenings and felt like i was just living in a dream the whole of 2010. Simply going with the flow and letting it bring me to wherever it wanted to me to go with no sense of where i'm really heading next. Because i still havent gotten any sense of whatever that has happened. sounds dumb i know..

As the new year begins, deep down in me i know i definitely need to bring myself back to reality and set myself proper directions for whats coming up next. i know i cannot have myself live in another dream like this. i cannot continue to lose myself, wasting time and not knowing where i am and what im doing next. 

Which than brings me back to the point of having to reflect and recollect my thoughts...
- - - - -

Picking up from where i'd left, 2009 didn't exactly end off on an exceptionally happy note, but i remember i was nonetheless feeling positive and hopeful; looking forward to see what 2010 would bring. The fantabulous year end parties that happened with the people i so love was the highlight to the closing of the year. It  reminded me to leave all unhappy things behind and start afresh with a clean sheet in 2010.

And with that i must say 2010 started off pretty well albeit emotional baggages i had to carry over, but i also had great emotional support from the ones i loved. and i know or at least i think they loved me too :) There were dreams & goals made. At work, i was given an opportunity to explore what i'd all along wanted to do since i joined the company a year ago. At the same time, i was looking forward to completing my degree at the end of the year. Also made a brave decision to step out of my comfort zone in Faith, i made new friends in church. This other bunch of lovely people who are great men & women of God and who loves people just the way God loves us, loving me for who i am from the day i became friends with them. With that, i was very hopeful and excited about what lies ahead.  And half of 2010 flew past with me celebrating my 22nd birthday - an unforgettable one which ended off happy & high. i was sucha a happy girl i thank God for that each day.

Then came the 2nd half of the year, when slowly, i don't know how or why but things started to change. Its like a sudden change in direction of the wind that started pushing me back and wanting me to fight back against it. I lost something i thought was right for me. I lost it just when i started understanding, started learning and started treasuring it. It decided to give way, let go and back out. i cant quite remember now, how i went through trying to get over the lost. Although the memories shared wasnt a very long time but the hurt was deep and painful. And i was very much determined to be healed as quickly as possible. Hated how bad it hurts and i know i don't wanna go through any of it, any second longer. So i told myself i cant dwell in it but to move on in order to be healed. I dont know why it happened... Why was i given something i treasured and than taken away from it... Nonetheless, i still placed total trust in God for everything happened for a reason. Believing that this is for the better and this is a process where He moulds me to become stronger. No matter what, He will always provide.

With these, i prayed continuously until i know my prayers were answered, as i was healed from the pain i hated and badly needed it to be removed. Although i know that everything else only the 'pain' was removed... but that was more than enough to keep me going each day. The whole episode left me suddenly feeling lost from all the dreams, goals & visions i had at the beginning of the year. I forgot all that i was looking forward to. It affected my performance at work as i couldn't control those emotions and often break down. Im uncertain which steps to take forth next and i merely started following the flow. i'm still believing in God, and placing all my trust in Him. Despite the pain removed, i still feel lost somewhere with no directions but simply taking each day as it comes and doing things i have to do. Without the passion i use to have, I felt like i'm living in a stranger's soul. 

- - - - - - - 

It has been more than 2 weeks into 2011 and i'm beginning to realise i really need to change. I need to get out of this foreign soul and find myself back again. I need to know what are my next steps to take and i need to create new dreams, new visions, and new goals. Not for or with anyone, but solely for myself in His name. 2010 can go and leave as a dream but 2011 has to be different. It shall be a new beginning. I don't know what may come, but so long as i've got a vision of what i want, i can start walking each step with a purpose. Believing in God, for as long as i've got a vision, He will certainly provide and fill it with up with His grace.

so all i need right now, is a vision. i know i'm here for a reason & a larger purpose :)